Bath and Body Lies

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Walls of body lotion. Free bubble bath packets. “Sample” stickers litter the floor. Fumes settle into your shirt that you are unable to dispel until you wash it.

This is the store Bath and Body Works.

Despite their efforts to convince you that their exclusive Shea Butter and Grape Seed Extract will make your life exotic and full of incurably infatuated men, (what the heck is a Shea anyway?!) Bath and Body Works lies.

Now, we don’t hate Bath and Body Works. In fact, we love it. Case in point: we all have about 8 bazillion ½ empty bottles of the stuff jam packed in our glove compartment, bedside table, backpack and especially under the bathroom sink.

However, B&B has tricked us for years into believing that their lotions have secret powers. They have even gone as far as producing sweet smelling substance named after movies that are popular at the time (i.e. Twilight Woods, Secret Wonderland, Be Enchanted…)

Therefore, we have compiled a list of their scents and how they really make you feel.

Black Raspberry Vanilla:

You’re in class. Sitting. At 7 a.m. You didn’t eat breakfast because… because you didn’t. Then a girl comes and sits next to you. She’s wearing black raspberry vanilla. Your stomach, which was perfectly content being empty moments ago, is now a ravenous beast. What is that delicious scent? Can you eat it? Despite any efforts to keep your cool, you will think of nothing but food until your break at 11:50, at which time you will pull out your Special K granola bar and curse the universe for not having a Jamba Juice closer to campus.

White Citrus:

Ever wanted to feel like you’ve been bathed in Clorox? Well now’s your chance! Simply lather on White Citrus and prepare for the biggest headache of your life.

Warm Vanilla Sugar

You’re 2 years old again. You are wearing footie pajamas, have just had a bath and your mama is reading you Chicka Chicka Boom Boom and The Rainbow Fish (links). Top with oreos and milk and you’re body is in complete relaxation. You have two options. You can either mourn your childhood or rub some Warm Vanilla Sugar lotion on your hands and relive the glory days.

Sensual Amber:

Wear this little puppy when you are doing laundry. That way you and the dryer sheets will smell the same.

Secret Wonderland

Prime outfit when wearing this lotion: Sundress. We don’t care if it’s 54 degrees outside. This lotion is summer in a bottle. So if you want portable sunshine, crank this bad boy open. 

And finally, the cream of the crop…(ha-pun)

Dark Kiss

This stuff is so addicting and delicious that people will literally start getting in your personal space to get closer to you. This can be advantageous on dates. Not at work.

Let’s re-cap:

Foxy boy you’re on a date with gradually moving closer to you at dinner = good.

60 year old woman secretary at work smelling your hair saying, “Well don’t YOU smell nice!=bad.

Sniff’in boys out,

Gert and Char

p.s. Don’t even get us started on perfumes. Like the kind of perfume that makes your skin itch and you break out in hives?

That’s normal.

Burned by the Backburner

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Ladies. Another year is upon us.

Whether you are returning to school or starting up your stellar career, we wish you a rock’in, non-drama year.

Of course, with the new year starting, we thought we’d share one piece of humble advice.

AVOID THE BACKBURNER!

The Backburner: an umbrella term used to define relationship status.

You know how stoves have around 4 burners? And you always use the front ones but rarely the back ones? Well, in dating let’s just say you never want to be on the backburner.

The backburner can be incredibly useful or infuriating.

Scenario #1

You like a boy. He wears J. Crew button-ups and has really white teeth. But dang it you just aren’t feel’in it. WHY CAN’T YOU MAKE YOURSELF LIKE HIM?!? Dang. But maybe you just need to give it time. You’ll start to like him eventually…maybe. There are some other fellas who are slightly more flirty and you want to see where things will go with them. So what do you do?

You put him on the backburner.

How to put someone on the back burner

1)    Don’t say yes to every date. Maybe every other time.

2)    Respond to texts…an hour later.

3)    Go hang out but don’t commit to long term things like backpacking trips.

4)    Cuddle but don’t let them kiss you.

Be careful to not let the Backburner become the Fade Out.

Backburner=good and to your advantage. Keeps lots of fish on the line.

Fade Out=bad and gives you a sketchy reputation.

Scenario #2

You like a boy. He’s taken you out maybe twice and is showing a lot of interest. But he’s more complicated than a girl when it comes to figuring out what he wants. He doesn’t see you every weekend night so it’s safe to assume he’s taking out other girls. WHAT. THE. HECK. He’ll shoot you a text a couple times a week and always reminds you that he still needs to make you his famous chicken curry. Oooh he is like a slippery fish. What does he want?!?

How to stay off of the back burner

1)    Be proactive. If he flirts with you and keeps reminding you how you need to finish the summer bucket list you started together, make him give you a day he wants to do it. Say, “How about Saturday?” BOOM. Call him out.

2)    Don’t always be available. Nothing whisks you onto the front burner like competition.

3)    Confidence. Don’t let him think you are a wilting flower waiting for him to water you. Show him he needs you.

Avoid being put on the backburner at all costs. Unless you want to put him on the backburner as well and then you conveniently are each other’s “Plan B”, or as we like to say, your “Ramen Noodle dinner”.

Remember, you need to learn how to play the game better than they do.

Running out of burners,

Gert and Char

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

 One weekend we went to dinner with six girls. We didn’t know it at the time but it ended up that 5 out of the 6 of the girls had just broken up with boyfriends.

Wow.

This scenario took us back to our high school days where we would make “break-up mixes” for our friends who had recently cut ties with their beau. We feel it is appropriate at this time to re-vamp those classic break-up mixes in order to meet the needs of so many grieving spinsters. We will make it easy for you to pin point the emotion you are feeling and the coordinating song (or songs) Enjoy.

1.      I’m Gonna Find Another You

John Mayer

I hope the next one looks like you and is nicer too.

2.     Talking to the Moon

Bruno Mars

                  Are you on the other side talking to me too?

3.     That Should Be Me

Justin Bieber.

What the heck you have a girlfriend already?!?

4.    All Over Now

Eric Hutchinson

This isn’t fun anymore.

5.     Ghost

Ingrid Michaelson

Do you remember when the walls fell?

6.     Gone

Kelly Clarkston

Sorry doesn’t cut it babe.

And our latest addition?

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Taylor Swift

Not much explanation needed.

Rock it out ladies,

Charlotte and Gertrude

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together lyrics * 

I remember when we broke up the first time saying this is it I’ve had enough cause like we haven’t seen each other in a month when you said you needed space what?

Then you come around again and say baby I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change

Trust me remember how that lasted for a day you say I hate you we break up you call me I love you

Pre Chorus

We called it off again last night but

this time I’m telling you I’m telling you

CHORUS

We are never ever ever getting back together we are never ever ever getting back together

You go talk to your friends my friends talk to me but we are never ever ever getting back together, like ever

I’m really gonna miss you picking fights

and me falling for it screaming that I’m right

And you hide away and find your piece of mind in some indie record that’s much cooler than mine

Pre Chorus

You called me up again tonight but

this time I’m telling you I’m telling you

CHORUS

We are never ever ever getting back together we are never ever ever getting back together

You go talk to your friends my friends talk to me but we are never ever ever getting back together

I used to think that we were forever ever and I used to say never say never

Ugh he called me up and he’s like ‘I still love you and I’m like ‘I’m just sick of it this is exhausting you know like, we are never getting back together like ever

CHORUS

We are never ever ever getting back together we are never ever ever getting back together

You go talk to your friends my friends talk to me but we are never ever ever getting back together but we are never ever ever ever getting back together,

 We are never ever getting back together you go talk to your friends my friends talk to me but we are never ever ever getting back together

Sold as a date...dang it.

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Well….

 I was sold.

As in for money.

A bunch of our girlfriends were at a service auction and someone decided it would be a good idea to sell us as dates.

If none of you have been to a silent auction before, let me explain.

Things are auctioned.

Silently.

AKA people walk around and put down their name and price they are willing to pay on pieces of paper, stating what they think the good, or in my case, pride, is worth. All night I avoided that frightful piece of paper that had my price tag on it.

The person who put us up for auction found the lucky winner who paid a whole $15 to be my date. I stood there, like a prized cow, while my new owner looked over me. The owner looked really confused and then started whispering to the auctioneer.

My new owner: “Wait a second…I thought that she would be taking ME on a date.”

Auctioneer: “No. You bought a date.”

My new owner: “Why would I pay for something then pay for it again?!”

The auctioneer and I looked on horrified as my not so tactful new owner said, “You know what I’m just gonna bag the whole thing” and walked out of the room.

So technically I was sold, but not bought.

Special moments as a Spinster,

Charlotte

Keepin' it on the down low

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Allow us to quote a favorite movie of ours….

 “How did you get up here so fast?”

“Secret tunnels.”

-Nacho Libre

We ladies have a surplus of ‘secret tunnels’ where we exchange info in the blink of an eye.

Have you ever wondered why you can go to the grocery store and run into your aunt’s neighbor who asks about your date which occurred less than 18 hours ago? Have you ever been puzzled that your co-worker knows about your toe injury when you don’t remember ever mentioning it?

This network can be both a blessing and a curse….

These tunnels can be beneficial in the dating scene. You better believe that someone will know the guy you are going on a blind date with. 
Work this to your advantage. Ask around.

However, be weary of having too large of a mouth because what you say will be heard by at least 40 other people. Even if it didn’t directly come from your lips…

The world is big, but it can also be oh so small. So we send a warning to all spinsters, but specifically those who want to mess with the spinsters:   What you do and what you say will surge through the tunnels. It will seep through the vents or spread like wildfire.

Try to keep it contained ladies. The tunnels are our tools. There is a fiiiine line between blabbering and helpful tips.

Example: “Jenny, I heard you are making cookies for Roy. Just FYI, he is allergic to nuts.”
            Statements such as these can indeed save lives.

Example: “Did you see Ashley’s dress? Woof!”
            Don’t say this. She will know you said this and it will haunt your dreams.

Always trying to censor ourselves,

Char and Gertie

Spinster in the Baking: 1-2-3 cookies

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Don't panic.

Pretend like you remembered.

You’re still a good friend even though you space-cadetted your BFF Forever’s birthday.

Spinsters to the Rescue.

You seriously cannot make easier cookies than these puppies.

1 package yellow or chocolate cake mix

2 eggs

1/3 cup oil

Mix ingredients, roll into balls and throw on greased baking sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 11 minutes.

Shaking some mini m&ms or some chocolate chips into the mix makes it even more prima.  You could even go crazy and put frosting between two and make them mini oreos but seriously, don’t over-do it. Don’t go Martha Stewart on us.

Done.

Now you’re the best BFF. Forever. And you have mad cooking skills.

Rock it out.

Char and Gertie

p.s. Was there any butter in those cookies? Let me check ...hmmm...nope! Looks like they're good for you too. Now you can eat twice as many before feeling guilty.