5 things that are simply exhilarating to do by yourself

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One thing about being a Spinster is that you don’t always have someone with you all the time. A “wingman” as it were. But who says you can’t go out and have a good time on a Tuesday, Monday or even Saturday night? Below is a list of 5 things that are, as the title suggests, “simply exhilarating to do by yourself.”

And remember, if you start to waiver and think, “What if someone thinks I’m weird?” All you have to remember is….

Nothing is more beautiful than confidence

1.     Go to a movie.

And I mean go to a movie. No red box’in it with take out Chinese.

2.     Be completely phoneless.

We’re all guilty of it. The second we feel uncomfortable whether it be at a party, riding the bus, standing in line, or the person we’re with sees someone they know, resist the urge to swipe your phone out of your canvas bag.

Everyone knows you’re not really texting someone so you might as well keep your eyes forward, smile and be the most graceful woman in the room. 

3.     Go feed the ducks at the park.

Ducks are more like humans than you realize. But to find out how, you’re just gonna have to go try it.

4.     Go to a nicer restaurant.

I say nicer restaurant because that means you can’t bust out a book and start reading, acting like you are very busy. Drink in the atmosphere. Relish your meal. Appreciate the music. And if you’re super brave, send your compliments to the chef.

5.     Go to a museum.

It doesn’t even have to be super swanky.  A lot of smaller museums have “free admission days” or discounts or may be straight up non-profit. As you wander through looking at art or sculptures or stuff you have no clue what it is, breathe deeply and think about how you’re beautifying your mind.

Needing a “buddy” or “someone to go with” is a thing of the past.

We have officially cut the umbilical cord to you and your insecurities.

Enjoy your newfound freedom,

Ever yours,

Gertie and Char

J. Crew: The shrine of beauty, the bane of my checkbook

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We all knew it was inevitable didn’t we?

We just had to talk about it.

J. Crew.

Now, for veteran J. Crew shoppers I could have just said the name of the store and ended the post. There is nothing more I can say.

However, this post is for potential and/or rookie J. Crew shoppers. Before you set foot into this obelisk of fashion, there are a few things you need to know.

1.   J. Crew names their clothes.

The “Betsy” blazer. The “Anna” pant. “Jenna’s” cashmere boyfriend cardigan.

Why is that a problem you ask? Well…If they name their ankle cut “perfect for every day of the week” black pants something like Darcy, it automatically makes you think of Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice and then you have to buy it…

Clothes that have names makes them more endearing and if you don’t buy them it’s like staring at a lost fluffy baby kitten. You have to buy it.  It has a name. It has feelings! So while our tender hearts gently carry the item to checkout, corporate J. Crew reels in the Benjamins.

And I mean BENJAMINS.

Because every fairytale needs a villain doesn’t it? So remember, while you’re walking around the perfectly lit store with its comfortingly perfumed air and saintly colored and textured fabrics, remember there is a scoundrel afoot.

The cash registrar.

Don’t be deceived my young rookie shopper. The cashiers decked in perfect J. Crew outfits with their perfectly cut bangs are about to utter something truly hideous.

2. Your total.

Who knew numbers could be painful?

But let’s be honest ladies, pain is beauty. Pain is beauty.

3. And then there’s the “personal shopper” option. Someone to do the shopping for you? That’s like baking a cake and then hiring someone to eat it.

4. Let’s not even mention the 13 emails a week you get from the store. I try to squint as I delete them so that I don’t accidently see something I didn’t even know I needed and go ahead and spend two weeks worth of groceries with one simple click of the mouse.

J. Crew. The shrine of beauty, the bane of my checkbook.

Keep shopping,

Char and Gertie

p.s.  There is this delicious blog dedicated to all things J. Crew. It tells you when sales are, gives discounts, and tells you what fabulous outfit you should wear to your next “holiday party”. Dang it. There goes my next pay check….

Communication, a girl's best friend

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Alright ladies, I do not write this post to badger with more relationship chatter but just indulge. Please.

We hear all the time about how a relationship is based on communication, communication, and more communication. Personally, this makes sense, but the horror lies in the fact that this responsibility lies on the female. I don’t think that this trait is present in the male mind-I would like to be proven wrong.

Here are the definitions of the many types of “male communicators”.

These are in no order of importance. All are equally lame.

1.        The Messenger Pigeon: a guy who tells his friend to tell your friend to tell you to come watch their basketball game. This guy will literally send a messenger pigeon to your door before he will talk to you face to face.

2.        The Techno Turd: Facebook, Twitter, texting, instant messaging, and e-mail are all a favorite for this go getter. He is not afraid to talk as long as his fingers are doing the work.

3.       The Silent Stallion: (Ideal for a date). Easily defined. He is silent.

4.        The Ambiguous Amateur: this guy is always eager to make plans. Examples: “We should do something soon.” “Oh, you like tennis? We should play sometime!” or “I will call you this weekend.” All sound promising but lead to let down because this guy has no idea what he is doing.

5.       The Freaky Fiasco: these are the guys you catch staring. Now I will be the first to admit that it is flattering to catch a guy stealing a second peek as he walks by. But this guy knows no limits. He lingers and he stares. No one knows exactly what he is communicating….

Maybe it is left for us to communicate. Let’s be real, are DTR’s ever started by a male?

Big kiss, little kiss, big hug, little hug,

Char and Gert

TLC: Weird, Weirder, and Weirdest

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It’s disgusting how much we like this t.v. channel. When the creators of TLC sat down together to think of what they’d like to have their channel be about, I’m pretty sure the consensus was to make sure that everything that happened needed to be eccentric.  And then the next time they met they thought, “How can we make this next season even weirder?”

And. We. Love. It.

The reason we like it so much is because the people on the show are nothing like us.

 It’s a constant parade of peculiar behavior and we eat it up like a berry parfait.

Let’s review 4 of the shows:

What not to wear

Two consultants, Stacy and Clinton, take people who have been voted by their friends and family as having the ugliest wardrobe in the country. Like fairy godmothers, they turn these sad, saggy, sloppy people into confident, beautiful happy people. It’s like Cinderella but without the singing mice.

Four weddings

Four brides duke it out to have the most fabulous wedding and the winner gets a killer honeymoon. While one of the four brides walks down the aisle, the other three sit in the crowd and talk about how her dress isn’t that cute, the buffet food was a little salty, and the reception hall was too cold. But the three critics are soon put on the pedestal and judged just as harshly at their own weddings.

There is something deliciously wrong about rating other people’s weddings.

And as Spinsters, we get to do it on a regular basis.

Say yes to the dress

Kleinfelds: A wedding dress store in Manhattan. Hundreds of high maintenance girls from all over the country coming in with daddy’s checkbook. Dress selection. Unlimited budgets. Alterations mayhem.  Tears. Happy Endings.

Could this show get any better? But once again, we love this show because we are nothing like these prima donnas. They throw fits because their wedding dress budget is only $18,000? It’s like a train wreck. We can’t look away. We all love Randy too. 

Extreme couponing

These people don’t use their garages because they have three years worth of toothbrushes, dish soap, deodorant, Halloween candy, bottled water and other miscellaneous objects organized into neat dividers from floor to ceiling. Look around the room you’re sitting in right now, find an object, and they probably have a million of it. The extreme couponers will go to registers with over $2,000 dollars worth of stuff and end up paying $3.29.  I find myself internalizing the show and thinking, “I need to start clipping coupons!” but then I realize I have to go to the post office, return an ugly sweater to Old Navy that I accidently bought and write a paper for my humanities class that is due tomorrow (it was assigned 3 weeks ago. Why do I always leave things to the last second?! What was I doing for those 3 weeks?!?)

Oh yeah…watching extreme couponing.

Happy watching!

Gertie and Char

NBA Lockout: An answer to a Spinster’s prayers

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Since there is so much news running around about the NBA lockout, we thought we’d share our professional opinion on the subject.

Something about millions.

Something about billions.

Something about every weekend night suddenly wide open for males ages 18-180.

What we’re trying to explain ladies is our prayers have been answered.

No more men getting together to “watch the game” while you sit at home waiting for their phone call, no more trying to keep eye contact with your date while he looks over your shoulder trying to see what “the score is” on the tv blaring in the background of the restaurant, no more mood swings after their team loses….

Needless to say, it’s a beautiful thing.

Now we’re not saying we hate basketball or sports in general. We’ve even been seen at professional sports games with a churro in hand. All we’re trying to say is that the 1,429 hours that men used to spend watching pre-game shows, the game, halftime reports, and post game shows are a thing of the past.

Goodbye ESPN, HELLO Friday night dates.

Always cheering you on,

Gertie and Char 

Fitness

 Now ladies, we all know we’re young and fit and eternally beautiful. But let’s face it. One day Mother Nature will plot against us and we must be prepared. We have found a work out video to keep your lovely visage looking spot on.  The famed Greer Childers teaches us how to secure the fountain of youth for our face.

Enjoy,

Gertie and Char

The ABCs of SpinsterHOOD

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Attitude and Aviators, Burning pictures and Breaking hearts, Car rides and Credit Cards, Dollar movies and Doughnuts holes, Estrogen and Eating out, First Dates and Facebook stalking, Girls Night in and Girdles, Hairdryers and Hopeful futures, Impeccable Style and Ipods, Jealousy and J Crew, Kissing and Karma, Late night phone calls and Lipgloss, Missed calls and Mascara, Naughty and Nice, Opinionated and Over-it, Pedicures and Party hopping, Queen bee and Questionable, Ready and Rambunctious, Sushi and Speeding tickets, Tantalizing and Taken, Underestimated and Unlikely, Valentines Day and Vetos,

Waxing and Waiting, X-tra spicy and Xtreme, Youthful and Yummy, Zany and Zealous.

Guest Speaker!

Char & Gertie: Alright ladies! Get excited! Our first guest speaker is joining us this evening. Periodically we will invite fellow spinsters to voice their frustrations and joys on our blog. (If any of you would ever like to join in, that’s what the comment box is for.) Tonight we are blessed to have with us, Prudence, aka Prude. Not to be confused with stuck up or wearing tight pantyhose. She is a gem. Welcome Prude. What would you like to share with us tonight?

Prude: Well Char and Gertie, while reflecting on my extreme spinster status, I decided to do what any lonely girl would do and call the mother. As I ranted and raved about my pathetic life...

Gertie: Char, pass the tissues....

Prude: No, wait. No tissues necessary. As I was saying, while I was ranting, I had an epiphany. I am happy. And I am single. And they do indeed mix. I said to my mother, “You know what? I take everything I just said back. I will not apologize for wanting to sing at a karaoke bar on my 21^st birthday rather than giving birth to my second child like most of my correspondences.

Char: YOU GO GIRL!

Prude: We need not wallow in the singleness of spinsterhood. We need to take pride in our ambitions, even if they do include belting “All the Singles Ladies” on your birthday. And yes…you should have put a ring on it.

Gertie: Wow. Thanks Prude. We’d love to have you back.

Char: Truly, a leader for our future generation of spinsters.

A white veiled occasion

We were recently at a spinster’s convention, aka one of our dear friend’s wedding.

We, along with two other spinsters indulged ourselves in their array of desserts. After gorging on free food, we heard a crackly voice over a microphone (that was too loud for comfort) bellow that dancing was to begin.
 Oh. Perfect. Torture.
As we could see there were very slim pickings in the room, we plopped onto the couch. The bride and her sweetheart took the dance floor as they graced us with the newlywed dance.
While pretending to be happy, a brutish woman without a tactful bone in her body; turns to us and asks venomously,
“Doesn’t this make you want to get married?”
WOOF!
Apparently this woman left the ‘hood (aka spinsterhood) long ago and forgot to bring her class. We, horrified, at the darts she aimed to our very souls, smiled and said, “Haha…yeah….”but our menacing eyes said otherwise. 

Now, mawagge. Mawagge is what bwings us togever today. Wuv, twu wuv. That bwessed awangement. That dweam. Wiffin a dweam.
We spinsters will be the first to give a huzzah at the news of your engagement. We will be the first to slap you on the back. Toast you even, at your wedding dinner. Peace and Blessings. Peace and Blessings. However, we still require your sensitivity and understanding.
Please, be gentle.

Peace and Blessings,

Gertie and Char

Cap’n Crunch: A yummy, yet highly untouchable boy interest

I admit it. I stole this idea. But it’s too good to be kept a secret. I was talking with some girls after class and a quieter girl referred to her old “Cap’n Crunch”. We all laughed and asked what that was. She said it was an old crush that was so darling and she was in love with him but she could never tell him. There was no owie break-ups or angry car rides with Kelly Clarkson blasting, just sweet memories of this dreamy wannabe beau. All the girls I was with immediately had someone in mind. I think my first Cap’n Crunch was my next-door neighbor. He had a head full of cocoa colored hair and glasses that were so large they flirted with the bottom of his nose, but man! What a dreamboat! We would play on his tire swing and I was positive he was in love with me but in his mind I was breathing cooties so that didn’t work out. The next Cap’n Crunch I had was my lab partner in Biology when I was a sophomore. His tactic of flirting was throwing shark guts at me and I’m ashamed to say it worked. Gertie, I know we should aim high but is it really sinful to reminisce on past Cap’n Crunches? What do you think?

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            Affectionately,

            Char

Joke Pirate: an exacerbating or enabling tactic used by Spinsters

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Joke pirate: verb, meaning to commandeer someone else’s witty comment in order to appear funny yourself.

Being a joke pirate is a very respectable profession, only if you are not in the presence of the poor person whose joke you hijacked. Highly recommended for use on first and or second dates as you can take someone else’s hilarious story and make it your own! However, if you are the victim of such witty thievery, it is no longer funny because what you thought up or experienced is now being credited to another. One suggestion we may give in order to keep your jokes copyrighted is to say them loudly and clearly in front of your group of friends. If you are timid only your neighbor might hear and then they will shout it out before you can say “thief!” This concept is crucial to understand before you read our next post.

Kisses,

C&G

Spinster Gone Shopaholic

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Being a Spinster has some serious upsides. Especially when it comes to cash.

Recently, I overdrew on my checking account and didn’t know it until I was slapped with a $75 overdraft fee.  Every fee comes with a long list of regrets. My regrets are usually materially related.  I have thoughts like: “Instead of dishing out 75 George Washingtons to the bank, I could have had 9 Café Rios, those beige peep toe pumps from Aldo or 2 tanks of gas.

While at the bank, I experienced many emotions. Mostly unbelief that I had let this happen again (yes, I once had to pay a $200 overdraft fee because I hadn’t caught the mistake earlier. About 7 unopened bank statements were frantically ripped open only to find that I was in the red*)

*red is a financial term that means you’ve lost some money. See also red stoplight and the red pen your professor uses to mark up your research paper. All of these mean stop being an idiot or in my case, STOP SPENDING ALL YOUR MONEY!!!

But it was a good day to be a Spinster. I sat back and thought, I am so happy that this is just my money and I don’t have to confess to my significant other that I blew a months worth of groceries because I forgot to balance at least 2 weeks worth of expenses. Oh well…numbers are for the birds. 

Yours Ever,
Charlotte

Woof: a common term used among Spinsters

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While perusing our guide you will discover that we harbor an insatiable appetite for interesting words. Don’t worry. We don’t understand half of them either but use them with glibness. We also have an extensive vocabulary of fallacious words in our arsenal. We’ll start small to wet your palate of the diction that awaits you.

Woof:

     1.                    adj. Coming from the ancient language of Home Alone. (i.e. “Buzz’s girlfriend…WOOF!”) May be used as an exclamation at times of great exacerbation. Possible scenarios include “He didn’t call you back?! WOOF.”; “I had to work overtime and didn’t get paid extra. WOOF.”; or “The midterm had nothing to do with the review. WOOF.”

2.              sound. The canine mammal makes.


Yours truly,

Charlotte and Gertrude

Misconceptions of a Spinster

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Misconceptions of a Spinster

1.     Old.

2.     Ugly.

3.     Cat Lovers.

4.     Never been kissed.

5.     Knitting needles holding up gray streaked bun.

6.     Did I mention ugly?

7.     Floral patterns.

8.     Home Shopping Network.

9.     Socially awkward.

10. Bitter.

As you can see, our species has been desecrated by the scoffs of the ignorant.

Allow us to shed some light on the situation.

What a Real Spinster Looks Like

1.     Young.

2.     A Looker.

3.     Intelligently Classy.

4.     Had a plethora of kisses.

5.     Health conscious but not afraid to have a Snack Attack.*

6.     Not embarrassed to admit their age.

7.     Has a life plan or at least pretends to.

8.     Confident enough to stay home on Friday nights.

9.     Unruly emotional at times.

10.Many suitors but not sold yet.

*Snack Attack: verb. To enter a store of grocery and purchase and/or inhale an assortment of unmentionable treats. (i.e. crunchy Cheetos, Orange Dream Bars, and chocolate cake doughnuts. See also atetoomuch and undotopbuttonofjeans.

Cast away your fears.

Breathe in.

Breath out.

Taste the sweet nectar of freedom.

Toss your self-consciousness to the winds and live.

You are entering a sisterhood of chic sophistication with a hint of sass, a dash of optimism and a smidgen of sexiness. 

Welcome to the Hood,
Charlotte and Gertrude

The Joys of Spinsterhood

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Welcome.

Or not welcome.

You choose.

But we welcome you.

Because we spinsters must stick together.

Like it or not at one point in time all of us feel like we will end up being spinsters but that doesn’t mean we should pout. In fact, we should treasure it.  

If you’ve ever been disoriented by the dating scene or never understood why we must perform acrobatics to survive college life, then meet here and we’ll do lunch.

We have tried to create a purpose for this blog. There is none. We refer you to our bosom friend Samuel Langhorne Clemens (also known to the masses as Mark Twain) for our reasoning.

“Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. “

This blog may frustrate you but it will also liberate you.

Sincerely,
Charlotte and Gertrude