Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Being Single is a Talent


  • I can’t cut circles free handed which makes crafting pretty impossible.
  • I can’t put on eye liner for the life of me.
  • I can’t get over it when people are mean to me.

But there’s one thing I’m really good at.

Being single.

In fact, I’ve started to realize I have a talent for it.

My first experience being single was really hard. In fact, I bombed it. I was 18 and it was my first break up. I was rocking the lying in my bed listening to Big Girls Don’t Cry steeze. Seriously, who does that? Oh wait…all of us.

The more boys I dated, the better I got at breaking up, rebounding and decoding phrases like, “I don’t know…we just went kind of fast” and “Let’s just see how we feel after I get back from Seattle.”

Now how to go about parading this talent…

      …people don’t even know (or maybe appreciate) how good I’ve gotten at this!

Unlike a talent show I can’t display my ability to scope out a room and within 4 seconds realize what guys are tools, what guys have girlfriends and what guys maybe don’t live in their parents’ basement.

I am incredibly gifted at retail therapy post break ups. I once spent $400 in one month after a particularly painful one. That’s $100 a week. Thank you Nordstrom Rack.

I go to concerts of people I’ve never even heard of and feel super hipster afterwards.

I have developed a habit of going out to dessert with girlfriends at 10 pm. And I’m talking classy desserts. Like sit down restaurant desserts.  

My proudest accomplishment is getting a guy to ask for my number. He may never use it, but I can sure get him to get it.

Mostly, I’m getting really good at this single thing.  

It’s easier than learning how to play the trombone.



Thursday, March 7, 2013

La la la I'm Not Listening


You know that line in the Princess Bride when the scraggly woman boos Buttercup for letting go of love and that she had it right in her hands and let it slip away? She uses harsh words like “putrescence” and “garbage.” Brutal.  

Well, this happens to us. All.of.the.time.

We have all experienced our mothers, aunties, grannies, and even our friends bemoaning us for letting a guy slip through our fingers.

Ugh, leave us be!

As if we don’t know who we want to date. We know everything.

We have all heard lines like this…

“Gert, you are THE pickiest person ever.”

Response: “Mom, just because he is potentially going to med school does not mean I need to walk down the aisle.”

“Char, he is tall. Why on earth wouldn’t you date him?”

Response: “Great…so now height is the only quality I should look for?”

You will be pestered, prodded, provoked, and pressured. But hold fast. You know what you are looking for.

It’s ok to be picky. This is a little more important than picking your nail color for the week….perhaps…..

Plant those feet, ladies. Plant those feet.

Charlotte and Gertrude

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Wanted: A Happy Medium


A Happy Medium.

It’s all we’re asking for people. A happy medium where boys can be fun, yet driven. Where he will want to spend time with you, yet knows he has to do his homework. This is one situation where we’d love to have someone lukewarm.  Not ice cold boring, not burning up with fun. A nice, balanced teeter-totter of priorities and enthusiasm.

Pulling the Move

Situation A:
Spinster and Boy are on hike with a few couples. Boy tries to hold Spinster’s hand the whole way down. Boy tells Spinster it’s dark, it’s dangerous, needs to hold her hand. Spinster kindly hints she doesn’t want to hold his hand. It’s a first date. Kind of weird. In the car Boy asks if he can put his arm around her. Spinster again kindly, yet more firmly this time, says no. He puts arm around her anyway and she lifts it off of her. No means no.

Situation B:
Spinster interested in Fella and after he asks her on a few dates decides to make him dinner. After dinner she sits on the couch, maybe hoping for a nice snuggle or talk. Fella sits on OTHER couch. Does not get within 3 feet of Spinster all night.

Wonky priorities

Situation A:
Man is applying for Law School, taking LSAT, volunteers at Big Brothers Big Sisters, does triathlons, on an indoor soccer team, working for his uncle on the side as a sales rep for blah blah blah company, great wit, tall…the perfect catch. Only one thing missing. His schedule is too busy for a girlfriend.

Situation B:
Guy is going to school but only part time because he’s president of his frat. Working at outdoor retailor also part-time because he needs time to “focus on boarding”. Will hang out with Spinster every single day if she wanted. Would skip work and school to do so. This sounds wonderful. All except for the part where he isn’t really shooting for anything in his future.

Trying on only mediums from here on out,

Gertrude & Charlotte