Monday, April 29, 2013

Things I am not proud of…


While shopping I pretend I don’t see the “no shopping carts in changing room” sign as I awkwardly ram my cart into the tiny walls. You can’t put a limit on the number of items I’m trying on. You’re not my real mom.

You know you have a fear of commitment when your itunes wishlist is officially on its 3rd page and you are just You Tubing the songs you might buy one day…when you’re emotionally ready.

I have a hard time clicking on the lid of my gas tank every time I fill up. I have no upper body strength.

Someone told me recently “Those who can’t do, teach.” That means if you can’t do something, you teach others how to do it. We’ve decided that is us and this blog. We obviously have no idea what we’re doing when it comes to dating so we’re teaching you guys how. How does that make you feel?

I heard a Hillary Duff song on the radio and knew every word

I decided recently I needed a whole new wardrobe.
And then I checked my debit account.
Not happening.
But something amazing happened. I started doing my hair and makeup in the morning and I started looking really cute in the clothes I already had! I in fact did not need to blow ½ of this month’s pay check at Nordstrom rack, I just needed to shower.



Saturday, April 13, 2013

(Unwelcome) Proposal

So there I was last night.

On a date.

We had walked into the restaurant and I saw an old buddy from high school.

My date and I walked over to him and said hi. I gave him a big hug and we were chatting. Apparently his friends thought I was being a little too friendly with him because they started cat calling, “Hey we have your engagement ring when you’re ready!”

They kept pestering my buddy so he decided to play along and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

In front of my date.

 In the middle of the restaurant.

He is a pretty goofy kid so I tried to play it off and laughed and said sure and tried to pull him up so he would stop making a scene in front of my date.

His friends lost their mind.

They started shouting, “SHE SAID YES! SHE SAID YES!”

Cue the entire restaurant looking over at me holding my buddy’s hands (not my date’s hands, mind you) as he is coming up off his knee.

The restaurant starts clapping. I hear a table of girls get excited and whisper, “Oh my gosh! He just proposed!”

I am so embarrassed at this point that I just start laughing. Not a good laughing. Like a, “Oh my gosh this needs to stop” laugh. His unruly crowd of friends start yelling to the workers that we need a free meal because we just got engaged.

I look around and still, the entire restaurant is looking at us. MAKE THEM STOP!

My date was, thankfully, a good sport and was laughing himself. But this got unfunny really fast a long time ago. I try to reign in control again by just trying to catch up with my buddy and asking him what he was doing for school. You know-the classic, generic, impersonal questions.

And that’s when it happened.

His friends started chanting, “KISS HER! KISS HER! KISS HER!”

Now, mind you, these are not junior high boys. Some are much older than me. Just goes to show you age isn’t everything. My buddy is so wound up in the moment that there is a good chance he could kiss me. I start dodging around him trying to escape and I finally sprint away from him, the table of hecklers and my date and go hide at the front of the restaurant.

It was a really good hiding place. The entire restaurant could still see me.

My date moseyed on over as I tried to figure out a way for the floor to swallow me. It didn’t help that people in line were congratulating me. I just said, “Thank you” because let’s be honest, I deserved some congratulations for surviving the night.

No words,

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Are you flirting with me or just being polite?


We Spinsters look for the teeniest, tiniest speck of something that could be a flirtation.

Someone on campus holds the door for you.
You get a smile from the guy driving in the lane next to you.
The bank teller asks how your day is going.

….and we automatically assume they are flirting with us.

Now this could be taken in many different ways. You could be offended that the super uncute guy sitting next to you moves his coat so that you can have a seat on the bus. Hello…can’t he see I’m not his type!??! Sometimes we think we’re super hot and untouchable.

But then there’s the fella who you see kind of consistently in the library and he always gives you a smile. We again, think we’re pretty hot and think, “Oh yeah…of course he smiles at me. I’m the best look’in girl in this building!”

Too bad that we never dig a little deeper and think, maybe the guy moved his coat to just be polite, and maybe the guy smile because he works at the front desk and is required, by his job, to smile at every customer.

Like when we went out for dinner the other night. Just us girls. There was a waiter (roughly our age…I don’t know…when you’re twenty/thirty something all ages blur). Our waiter friend would not leave us alone. Asked us how our meal was going. Double checked orders. Gave us enough water to fill a canal. Cleared plates. Brought extra plates. Asked if we wanted dessert. He probably had a crush on our friend J. But of course we never think that he’s probably wanting a phat tip and for us to wrap up our incredibly loud and laughing conversation so that he can seat the people who’d been waiting for ½ an hour.

All we’re saying is things need to be a little more obvious around here.

If you’re flirting with me put a thought bubble above your head and say, “I’m flirting with you.” If you’re not say, “I am being a polite gentleman.”…. How ‘bout that….they’re not extinct.

Handing out thought bubbles,
Gertrude and Charlotte