Thursday, November 29, 2012

Oh, shopping for one?

Retro Grocery Shopping Pantry Party Stock Kitchen Invites*
Sometimes we place ourselves in environments where we are palpably, blatantly, obviously, clearly, and extremely single.
Let’s talk about the grocery store, or what we like to call “the Spinster dungeon.”
“I LOVE grocery shopping!” (said no one ever)
You walk into the entryway and grab a shopping basket because you don’t need a cart. This is the first hint that you are shopping for you and you alone.
Next, you wander the aisles and grab ONE can of soup and ONE box of cereal that you want to throw at the couple next to you because they are searching for the best cut of meat for their romantic dinner that they are cooking together. (Bitter much?)
The only things in your basket that show you might be shopping for two are your heaping bags of Oreos and Elmer Fudge cookies because they were on sale--two for one!…and because you just really like cookies.
Well, spinsters have to eat too so it looks like the grocery store cannot be avoided (unless you are loaded and can afford to eat out for every meal. Not us.)
It is a conundrum. Food or cautious hermitage? Food wins every time!

Constantly fighting the dragons,
Charlotte and Gertrude

P.S. One day it will be nice to have someone else around to carry the groceries so you don’t cut off your blood flow with your 17 plastic bags digging into your frail arms.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Snoring ain't boring



At 2 a.m my sister who was under the weather had an idea.

 drove over to my house
opened the door with a spare key
 came into my room
opened all my dresser drawers till she found some medicine
closed the drawers
shut my door
 and drove back to her house.


Is anyone else alarmed here? That despite my house being broken into, doors opening, dresser drawers being slammed, and medicine bottles shaking, I SLEPT LIKE A BABY.

It has happened to me before.

When I was in high school my house’s carbon monoxide alarm went off and my parents opened my bedroom door, turned on the lights, opened my windows, were talking to each other about what was making the alarm go off


I slept through it.

I just wish I could use this deep sleep talent to my advantage….

  • Like yesterday when the white Honda and blue Camry’s wreck debris were covering the road and traffic was at a sandstill…
  • Or when you’re the only one in the library waiting for everyone to get there to work on your group project. (Yes we were supposed to meet at 11. Not 11:20.)
  • Or when you wake up in the middle of the night and reality and fantasy are mixed and the weirdest pieces of your day combine into one hot mess smoothie.
  • Or on a bad date…  (oh wait…one time my date actually did lie down two chairs away from me at a movie theater and fell asleep. That was fun. )
Off to bed,

Monday, November 5, 2012

Smile, and prepare to photo bomb


There are many ways people can bomb photos.

You can get a lazy eye mid picture. Someone could have their mouth full of food. And our personal favorite, a complete stranger standing behind you staring directly at the camera as if they’ve never seen something flash before.

As Spinsters, we have many opportunities to bomb photos.

First, the family photo.

Ahhh…there it is. The typical American family. Mom and Dad in center, hands placed gently on each other’s knees. Top left corner the Grandpa lovingly places his hands on Grandma’s shoulders. A smattering of children adorn mother’s arms or father’s lap. Everything looks nice and perfect.

And then there’s you.

Hmmmm. The photographer has placed everyone so nicely and then you had to come along and ruin everything. Should he place you next to the Grandparents? No…then you’ll look like you’re their kid. What about holding a niece or nephew?  No then you’ll look like a single parent. How about next to your sister? Oooh super awkard. Your brother-in-law now has two wives.

After much deliberation the photographer tucks you nicely at the knee of your parents where you as an independent, confident career savvy woman look like a small child yet to be weaned from the home life gravy train.

Second, The Ex.

He thought he was rid of you did he? No more being tied down during NBA games. No more having to spend good money on your hun-cal frozen yogurt fetish. No more DTRs…well he better be prepared to have a DTR with every person he comes in contact with due to your photo bombing his family Christmas card.

Bless her heart relative: “Now who is that darling young lady I saw you with in the card? Is she your wife?”
The Ex: “Er….no. That was a girl I was dating. We’re not dating anymore.”

BHHR: “Oh! Well I just saw her in the card. I thought she was your wife.”
The Ex: “No…Nope. Not my wife.”
BHHR: “Yes you see I got your card and thought, “Oh! Well look who got married.”
The Ex: “Yeah…I didn’t.”
BHHR: “So you’re not dating her anymore?”

Wow. Wow. Wow.
That is a painfully awkward conversation.

Spinsters across the globe are slowly, but surely doing their best to ruin one photo at a time.

Embrace the awkwardness,

Char and Gert