Monday, December 31, 2012

"The Same Page" Copout


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Spinster: “So…when am I gonna see you again?”
Boy: “Uh…..I kind of thought we were on the same page.”
Spinster: “And what page is that?”
Boy: “That when I went back to school that we both kind of just did our own thing.”

Hold please. Crazy town is on the other line. They’re just wondering when you were going to come and make permanent residence. Pretty sure you took me on three dates a week for the past 4 months and so….no. No I was not aware you were on that particular “page”.

There is an alarming trend of boys “assuming” with their frightful little “pages”.  Hey-we’ve got nothing against pages. We love to read. But sometimes we like to use our mouths and words to communicate.

Next time you’re going to a have a secret relationship book club, leave me a bookmark so I can save you the trouble of this painfully awkward phone call.

Getting paper cuts,
Char and Gert


Thursday, December 20, 2012

Dear Future Married Self...

 
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Dear Future Married Self,

Congratulations.

You’ve arrived.

Now that you’ve joined the class of married people, don’t forget the following:

1.    At bridal showers chant a quiet mantra in your head. “I am not the bride. I am not the bride.” This way you won’t start answering the real bride's questions of “Where was your first kiss?” “When did he first say I love you?” Because when you do start answering along with the bride you look…foolish.

2.    Don’t get a ginormous ring. Simple=elegant. Plus you won’t look like you’re wearing bling.

3.    Call your single girlfriends out of the blue. They like that.  A lot.

4.    Hug your husband while waiting for the bus. You will look really cute and fearless.

5.    When you’re at lunch with the girls try and dust away the cobwebs of your dating memories and remember that dating is not always sunshine and creamsicles. It is complicated, sticky, and generally a hot mess. Refrain from comments like, “Oh so you’re just kind of messing around, not committing?” and “When I was dating my husband….” Those kinds of comments drive Spinsters CAH-ra-zee.

6.    Treat your husband like gold.

7.    Stay classy.

Kick'in it under the mistletoe ,

Gert and Char


Monday, December 10, 2012

Feast or Famine: Dating during the Holidays


The Holidays are either feast or famine when it comes to dates. You either have to say no to one date because you already have 2 or you are home listening to the Home Alone soundtrack. Again.

Therefore we are here to give you some recipes to make your holidays….um….livable?

Ice Skating Date Pastry 
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Ingredients
2 tsp. of 1st date nervousness
 3 pairs of socks
 Braided hair. No. Too hippy. Pony. No. Too childish. Down? Great. Your hair will be a wet frizz in a matter of moments. Okay. Shove it all under a hat.
 1 tsp. fantasy
1 cup logic

Instructions
Gently slice your time in half because he has come 20 minutes too early…thus the hair scenario. Wipe the sweat from your now blotchy foundation as his seat warmer and 80 degree car make you curse wearing 3 pairs of socks. Step out of the 80 degree car and onto the negative 80 degree ice skating rink. Curse you didn’t wear 6 pairs of socks. Pretend you know how to put on ice skates. Laugh awkwardly as your date helps you put them on. Smear away your bright red face and the sign “Rookie” from your forehead.

Mix together the 1 tsp. fantasy and 1 cup of logic. The fantasy will begin to rise as you step out on the ice with your date and you imagine “All I Want for Christmas is You” will start playing as you two skate to the altar. Allow the 1 cup of logic to simmer then come to a boil as two junior high hooligans almost send you careening to your death. Realize that holding hands with this boy on the first date would be weird. And dangerous. Hold on to the side rail and don’t let go until he hands you a cup of flaming hot cocoa. Burn your tongue.


For some great tips on how to pick up on boys ice skating read our last year’s post. 


Secluded Friday Night Danish

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 Ingredients

1 subscription to Hulu Plus
6 new Next Iron Chef episodes
Microwaveable caramel popcorn
½ cup self pity
3 oz. secret excitement
7 layers of blankets
1 turned off phone

Instructions

Let self pity come to a boil as you stir in caramel popcorn. Let simmer. Realize Hulu has Next Iron Chef. Stir in 3 oz. of excitement. Keep phone on long enough to realize you’re not going out tonight. Turn off. Layer blankets one on top of the other. Melt into peaceful seclusion. Absorb the rejuvenation.

Wishing you the perfect balance between feast and famine this Holiday season, 

Gert and Char



Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Things that only happen when you’re a Spinster


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Below are some “special moments” we get to experience as Spinsters. You should treasure these times because really, what other demographic in the world has such crazy things happen to them? (p.s. “special moments” fall into the same category of “it’s fine…”


1) You get a voicemail from a recent ex-boyfriend singing…

…except he didn’t know he butt dialed you and stops mid song. That must have been a fun check of “recent calls” and saw your name…


2) You get set up with someone you already know.

If he had wanted to take you on a date he would have already….What are you supposed to say when they call? “

“Oh hey! So I know you already know who I am but I guess someone else had to instruct you to take me on a date…Aren’t you glad now?”

3) Old boyfriends log in names come up on your email and Facebook.

4) Relatives give you confused looks when you say you’re not dating anyone.  WHY ARE YOU CONFUSED? Being single is a real thing.

5) You get your very own “Ms.” box to check by your name at the DMV.


It’s fine…

Char and Gert

Saturday, December 1, 2012

You know all your friends are married when….



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 As a Spinster, things are pretty cut and dry. Not a whole lot of gray area (except for anything involving a guy. Then your life becomes a mosaic of grays).

Take your married friends for example. You were perfect wingmen together. You talked with them daily on the phone about the guy they were liking. Then dating. Then getting engaged to. Then marrying.

You threw a shower for them. You caught up at lunch one time since their wedding. Then…SILENCE. This is sad when you don’t see your friends. But it’s ok. You have other friends.

Until that day that you don’t.

One day you wake up and say, “Oh my gosh. I have no more girlfriends”

We may experience many emotions when this gem of reality rests like dew on your mind.


You know all your friends are married when:

You feel a pit in your stomach walking into a party by yourself as you give yourself the ultimate pep talk, “It’s okay. Just look confident. It’s fine. You’ll introduce yourself to new people here. Don’t look at your phone.”

You come prepared to “married friends lunches”. You need to have at least one name of a guy you’re interested in. No saying, “Just dating around.” Also, look super smok’in. No one can feel badly for a sharp looking Spinster.

You are content to watch your 3rd episode of Man vs. Wild this weekend instead of going to hang out.

You feel a sparkle of happiness every time you buy a new Banana Republic blouse knowing that you have expendable cash and your newly married friends? Well…they get to buy extra car insurance.

You scroll through your phone’s contact book 4 times and have the following conversation in your head, “Would it be weird if I called her? I haven’t seen her since high school. But is she married? Oh that would be so weird if I didn’t know that. Ok not her. Maybe this group of guys? Like, I know I don’t want to date any of them but…I don’t know…it’s something to do? No. I’m just gonna call the guy who got my number 2 weeks ago. Is that weird if I call first? Maybe I’ll text him. Yeah. I’ll text him.”      
               …..Then you end up going to Target instead.

Returning our blouses because we realize now we too have car insurance,

Char and Gert



Thursday, November 29, 2012

Oh, shopping for one?


Retro Grocery Shopping Pantry Party Stock Kitchen Invites*
Sometimes we place ourselves in environments where we are palpably, blatantly, obviously, clearly, and extremely single.
Let’s talk about the grocery store, or what we like to call “the Spinster dungeon.”
“I LOVE grocery shopping!” (said no one ever)
You walk into the entryway and grab a shopping basket because you don’t need a cart. This is the first hint that you are shopping for you and you alone.
Next, you wander the aisles and grab ONE can of soup and ONE box of cereal that you want to throw at the couple next to you because they are searching for the best cut of meat for their romantic dinner that they are cooking together. (Bitter much?)
The only things in your basket that show you might be shopping for two are your heaping bags of Oreos and Elmer Fudge cookies because they were on sale--two for one!…and because you just really like cookies.
Well, spinsters have to eat too so it looks like the grocery store cannot be avoided (unless you are loaded and can afford to eat out for every meal. Not us.)
It is a conundrum. Food or cautious hermitage? Food wins every time!

Constantly fighting the dragons,
Charlotte and Gertrude

P.S. One day it will be nice to have someone else around to carry the groceries so you don’t cut off your blood flow with your 17 plastic bags digging into your frail arms.