Monday, January 28, 2013

The Curse of the Big Mouth and the Snoopy Mother

Chapter 1

Although it wasn't termed a "date", she was excited to go. She was
flattered that a boy thought her stylish and she was happy to help him
find some classy black shoes for work.  Deep down she hoped there was
more than shoe shopping in order.

They agreed that Nordstrom Rack would be a good place to start and had
fun trying on shoes. Some were sleek, some were elaborate, and some
were plain old fugly. They learned a lot about one another through
their shopping experience. She was clearly an impulse buyer while he
was very contemplative about what he would purchase. She opened him up
to the idea of "placing items on hold", something he didn't even know
was an option.

Her shopping aura convinced him to buy the shoes. She didn't even need
to say, "you are young, single, and you owe yourself a nice, new pair
of shoes." She said she liked them. He bought them.

After shoe shopping she waited for him to suggest the next activity.
He explained that he had a dinner group to attend but offered no
invitation. This made her sad. Then he said, "you know, I would rather
have dinner with you. Want to get dinner?"

She thinks to herself- "um, of course I want to get dinner. I only
helped you picked out beautiful shoes at a great price...."

She said, "sure, that would be great."

Chapter 2

They ate dinner at a Mexican chain restaurant because it was right next 

to the shoes. It was the first place he saw, proving great planning on his

He made her really nervous at dinner because he said, "I am going to
ask you something and I don't want you to be embarrassed or feel bad
because I would never want to tell you anything to make you feel bad."

She freaks out inside. What is he talking about??!

 "Does your mom happen to have a Linkedin account? It sends me an
e-mail every time someone looks at my profile and it told me she has
been checking up on me online," he asks with a smile.

Her jaw drops.

"What is linkedin anyways? Why would my mom have that? Oh my gosh. I
am so sorry. I am mortified. My mom likes to know what is going on in
my life. Not that anything is happening with us I just know that I
mentioned you when she asked me what I did last weekend. I said I
went to a museum with you and that it was fun..." Oh my gosh, oh my
gosh, OH MY GOSH!

"I am flattered. I am sure your mom and I would be best
friends if we ever met. Really, I didn't mean to make you
uncomfortable. I think it is funny. Also, my dad googles girls all of
the time."

Sigh of relief, but not really.

The rest of the evening they had some great conversation and she
apologized about 1 zillion times about the cyber stalking.

Moral of the story. Don't tell your mom to google a boy. He will know
that she did and by default, know that you told her to do it.

The end

Monday, January 21, 2013

Burning the Pages

I was looking through some old journals tonight.


It made me almost cringe reading the entries where I was talking about how much I thought a guy liked me and realizing how much he really didn’t or how much he changed.

I felt like I was “that guy” in the movie theater who yells advice to the characters on the screen. I was like, “Oh my gosh Char! Don’t go out with him again! He is bad news!” and was also surprised how much my “crap filter” has gone up. No more pulling those kinds of stunts on this Char.

Older and wiser ladies. Older and wiser.

But man those entries were like a train wreck. I couldn’t stop reading even though I knew exactly what was going to happen.

Sly texts sent from across the room just to make me laugh.

His friends telling me he liked me.

Another girl gets shot gun in his car.

Buy one get one free dates.

Cuddling on the first date.

Breaking up 2 weeks later.

Showing up on my porch in the middle of a snowstorm.

Then my latest jam came on my ipod.  

“I would rather learn what it feels like to burn than feel nothing at all.”

Guys are unpredictable, messy, sweethearts that get under your skin and leave marks for better or worse.

Burning certain pages,


Friday, January 11, 2013

No Name Boy, A Number and Hearing Aids

I had a lot of good options.

Tall ones, short ones, freckled ones, ones with contagious laughs, ones that maybe wouldn’t be jerks….

I was ready. This party was stocked with eligible bachelors.

Oh good! One was walking towards me.

No Name Boy: “Char!”
Me: “Um…hi?”
No Name Boy: “I haven’t seen you in forever! How’ve you been?”

Okay. Quick. How does this guy know my name? Have we had class together? Gone on a date? Were neighbors as children?

Best idea? Fake like I know him. Yeah. That will be good.

Me: “I know! How have you been….friend?”

Oh crap. I don’t know his name! And now I’ve pretended like I know him. Think, think, think!

No Name Boy: “Oh you know…school and work and I’ve joined lots of extra curricular things so that’s keeping me busy”.

After a few minutes of chit chat and deciding I’m not super jazzed about this fellow I try and peace.

Me: “Well…I need to go talk to Kristine but it’s so good to see you!”
NNB: “Well let me get your number so we can hang out again!”

Again? We’ve already hung out? I need to start taking me some memory vitamins.

We exchange digits and then horror of horrors I realize I’m gonna have to type his name into my phone as he is looking over my shoulder. The name I don’t know.

As my little cursor blinks at me on my phone he looks at me and I say all nervously,

 “Oh…how do you spell your name again? I know it’s like way different.”
NNB: “It’s mumble, mumble, mumble.”
Me: “What?”
NNB: “It’s mumble, mumble, mumble.”
Me: (again)” What?”

Seriously, after my memory vitamins I’m going to get hearing aids.
NNB: “It’s Brad. B-R-A-D”.

Oh my! That was too easy of a name! Hurry! Think of something! Cover your lie with another lie!

Me: “No, no. I know your first name. It was your last name that was really tricky and long.”
NNB: “F-O-X. My last name is Fox.”

And that was when he looked at me and realized I had no idea who he was.


Moral of the story ladies: Don’t try and pretend that you know someone’s name. Own up.

Or at least stock up at memory vitamins and hearing aids.

Gold medal in creating uncomfortable situations,


Sunday, January 6, 2013

New Years Pump Up


Please recite the following mantra….

Hi, my name is ____________. And I’m a Spinster.

With this New Year, I will:

Initiate conversations

Never be a doormat

Do something every day that scares me

Write down my awkward interactions with boys. They will be funny later. Maybe.

Not yell while driving

Refuse to be offended

Open my heart

Give guys the benefit of the doubt

Balance my checkbook

Give myself 5 compliments in the mirror every day and make sure to give out at least 5 more to others

Fake it till I make it

Stay classy

 Pretending to know what we’re doing,

Gertrude and Charlotte