Um, Reality Check!

*

“Oh, so we met on the beach in Florence while I was studying abroad. He came to shore after a nice dip in the ocean and thought I was the most magnifique woman he had ever seen.”

“Us? Oh we met because he was a fireman and saved me from my burning apartment.”

Come now. Do we ever REAAAALLLY hear these kinds of stories? No. They are in novels and movies but they don’t happen to our friend down the street.

Certainly, there is a one in a billion chance that this would happen---but we don’t like them odds.

We are here to instill some reality into our imaginative and ever-romanticizing minds.
Not trying to be Debbie downers, we promise.  

These are the kinds of stories you really hear.

“So we met because his aunt literally forced him to dial my phone number and ask me on a date because she told her neighbor that she would for sure set us up.”

“We met at school. He was in my math class. After a whole semester of me shamelessly flirting, he finally got my number.”

“His best friend was dating my best friend so we started to see each other a lot.”

This is real life. It isn’t super glamorous. But glamorous is highly over-rated….we guess.

We have simple hopes….

Gert would like to meet her man at a quaint book store, preferably in the Dickens section. Char would like to meet hers at a Taylor Swift concert. Together they could belt out “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”- but then really get together.

We aren’t reaching for the stars here.

Giving you a good slap in the face,

Charlotte and Gertrude

Is there a pill for that?

*

Let’s talk about something I like to call shopaholicism.

Nope. This isn’t found on WebMD nor is it diagnosed by your doctor.

But it exists. Indeed it does. It is a disease….

-It is highly contagious….(perhaps I am guilty of spreading it like an epidemic)

-It is difficult to cure

-There is, tragically, no vaccination

-It aims to kill (your bank account that is)

The other day, I was attacked by the symptoms in a store beginning with Anthro and ending in Pologie. (This reminds me of the word apology. Do you think it is a play on words or merely a coincidence? Personally, I think the store is slightly mocking me as it says “my a-pologie-s, you will certainly spend heaps of money here.”)

Anyways…..I went straight to the sale rack because at least some of my senses were not completely overwhelmed by shopaholicism.

When I stepped into the store, I didn’t need anything. But then, I saw them- four, deliciously adorable, and eclectic plates. Plates? Why on earth would I buy plates? Why would my make-shift cheese quesadilla need to be placed on a beautiful china piece?

Well, 5 minutes later they were wrapped up and I was asked if I “would like the receipt with me or in the bag?”

After that incident, I knew that a self-inflicted intervention was in order.

Here are some tips I came up with to stave off the disease.

1. Don’t go into the store (window shopping is a farce).
2. Ignore the discount deals that pop into your g-mail account. Delete without delay!
3. Recycle those magazines that lure you in with classy photos and scented samples.
4. Don’t visualize the wanted item like a lunatic.

Example: This new jacket would look so cute for my dinner date with Ralph. (Let’s not fool ourselves, Ralph won’t care what jacket you are wearing)

5. Don’t EVER go shopping right after pay day. Let’s make sure our grocery money lasts the whole month, ladies.

Now, of course it isn’t healthy to cure shopaholicism cold-turkey. With that said, shopping should be done in moderation. After all, we are young, hard working ladies. And sometimes we owe ourselves a new pair of Fall boots.

Hoping to be a survivor,

Gert

Spinsters: The Ultimate Scapegoat

*

You yelled at me! That-that is great. That helps. I feel like I’m thinking more clearly. I feel like I’m just more in touch with my magic assistant power.   Alakazaam BOOM!

Oh. Shoot. It didn’t work. I should have worn my magic bra and panties.

-Lily Tomlin

Bruce Willis’ secretary in The Kid

Being the new kid on the block means sometimes you get into scrapes. Everyone already has their allies and enemies and knows what bridges to burn and which they should leave alone.

But when you’re new in the workplace you become the ultimate scapegoat.

You are easy prey.

Example #1

Char walks into the copy room to pick up the papers she had sent to the printer in there.

Mistake.

Lividly chewed out for a good seven minutes by a co-worker for not getting her work done on a project that she, in fact, had never been a part of. The co-worker was using jargon Char had never even heard of because she, once again, was not part of the project. Vainly, she kept trying to explain she was never in charge of that particular assignment.

But without a scapegoat, this co-worker would have no one to release his wrath upon. 

That’s fine. Please continue to bite my head off unnecessarily. I enjoy you trying to pierce my brain with your scorching eyes. In fact, it’s quite comfortable being in this room with you right now. We should do lunch sometime.

After offering to help with said problems even though she had no responsibility in the project, Char found herself with a few new tasks to do. That weren’t rightfully hers.

After returning from these selfless errands she was greeted with the same co-worker.

Kind of.

No sweeter words could come out of his mouth. “Oh you know you do such a great job around here. I realize you’re short staffed in your department today. Wow. Thank you so much. You do such a great job…”

Um, hello?

Am I in some sort of candid camera moment here? You were just screaming at me. Now you are telling me that I always do a good job. Which one is it?

No wait, wait. Don’t tell me. It’s more fun this way waiting on the edge of my seat to see which personality you choose to wear today.

Example #2

It was another busy, yet relatively calm day in the work place. Gert had just settled down to a nice plate of cookies.

Enter, The Storm.

How does The Storm greet Gert? Not with a gentle hello or a “Excuse me Gert do you have a second to talk?”

No, that would be too rational.

The Storm decides to begin the hurricane with an intense snakelike whisper that increase from 0 to 150 decibels in a matter of seconds.

Needless to say, Gert was cussed out by every bomb in the book.

After Gert informed The Storm that, no, she was not the one who had created a particular problem that day, she waited for an apology or even perhaps a non cuss word.

But no, that would be too much work for The Storm. Instead he said, “K, well, just be careful to not let that happen.”

Heaven forbid an apology should be extended.

Heaven forbid co-workers should ask questions before cussing out innocent victims.

Heaven forbid screamers should not have full reign over anyone in their path.

That would make work just too easy, don’t you think?

Weathering The Storm,

Gert and Char

Single in the Office

*

Gert and I have been rather busy Spinsters lately. We both started new grown-up jobs (with some school on the side). There are some definite perks of working full time: no having to write papers or do assignments on Saturday afternoon, eating catered lunch with fancy shmancy people (Gert. Not me) and the overall feeling of “you have arrived to the real world”. However, despite these perks there has been an unexpected increase in the number of people asking about relationship status.

“Are you married or single?”

“Single.”

“So Char, do you have any kids?”

“No, I’m not married.”

“So is it Miss. Or Mrs?”

“It’s Miss.”

One co-worker even said, “It’s okay” after I told her I was single.

I wanted to tell her there was no need to sympathize for my singlehood.

Perks of being single in the office

• You get to wear awesomely cut-to-fit dress pants and No. 2 pencil skirts (not like married people can’t do that but after you’ve had 3 kids that becomes more difficult) 
• You can stay later at work if needed with no worries about people needing you at home. 
• Everyone is excited to ask you what you're doing that weekend because guaranteed your weekend plans are going to sound more interesting than the 40 year old man in the cubicle next to you.
• Higher-ups compliment you on the “energy” and “blithe” spirit you bring to the team ßtrue story. Had to look up “blithe” in the dictionary when I got home. 
• DISCOUNTED HEALTH BENEFITS!!
• You can move around the country for your job easy as pumpkin pie.
• Grown up job=grown up money=grown up fall blazer and leather boot shopping sprees.

I’m having a hard time seeing the downside to this situation…

Switching out heels for flats under our desks,

Char