Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Burned by the Backburner


Ladies. Another year is upon us.

Whether you are returning to school or starting up your stellar career, we wish you a rock’in, non-drama year.

Of course, with the new year starting, we thought we’d share one piece of humble advice.


The Backburner: an umbrella term used to define relationship status.

You know how stoves have around 4 burners? And you always use the front ones but rarely the back ones? Well, in dating let’s just say you never want to be on the backburner.

The backburner can be incredibly useful or infuriating.

Scenario #1

You like a boy. He wears J. Crew button-ups and has really white teeth. But dang it you just aren’t feel’in it. WHY CAN’T YOU MAKE YOURSELF LIKE HIM?!? Dang. But maybe you just need to give it time. You’ll start to like him eventually…maybe. There are some other fellas who are slightly more flirty and you want to see where things will go with them. So what do you do?

You put him on the backburner.

How to put someone on the back burner
1)    Don’t say yes to every date. Maybe every other time.
2)    Respond to texts…an hour later.
3)    Go hang out but don’t commit to long term things like backpacking trips.
4)    Cuddle but don’t let them kiss you.

Be careful to not let the Backburner become the Fade Out.

Backburner=good and to your advantage. Keeps lots of fish on the line.
Fade Out=bad and gives you a sketchy reputation.

Scenario #2

You like a boy. He’s taken you out maybe twice and is showing a lot of interest. But he’s more complicated than a girl when it comes to figuring out what he wants. He doesn’t see you every weekend night so it’s safe to assume he’s taking out other girls. WHAT. THE. HECK. He’ll shoot you a text a couple times a week and always reminds you that he still needs to make you his famous chicken curry. Oooh he is like a slippery fish. What does he want?!?

How to stay off of the back burner
1)    Be proactive. If he flirts with you and keeps reminding you how you need to finish the summer bucket list you started together, make him give you a day he wants to do it. Say, “How about Saturday?” BOOM. Call him out.
2)    Don’t always be available. Nothing whisks you onto the front burner like competition.
3)    Confidence. Don’t let him think you are a wilting flower waiting for him to water you. Show him he needs you.

Avoid being put on the backburner at all costs. Unless you want to put him on the backburner as well and then you conveniently are each other’s “Plan B”, or as we like to say, your “Ramen Noodle dinner”.

Remember, you need to learn how to play the game better than they do.

Running out of burners,

Gert and Char

Monday, August 13, 2012

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

 One weekend we went to dinner with six girls. We didn’t know it at the time but it ended up that 5 out of the 6 of the girls had just broken up with boyfriends.


This scenario took us back to our high school days where we would make “break-up mixes” for our friends who had recently cut ties with their beau. We feel it is appropriate at this time to re-vamp those classic break-up mixes in order to meet the needs of so many grieving spinsters. We will make it easy for you to pin point the emotion you are feeling and the coordinating song (or songs) Enjoy.

1.      I’m Gonna Find Another You
John Mayer
I hope the next one looks like you and is nicer too.

2.     Talking to the Moon
Bruno Mars
                  Are you on the other side talking to me too?

3.     That Should Be Me
Justin Bieber.
What the heck you have a girlfriend already?!?

4.    All Over Now
Eric Hutchinson
This isn’t fun anymore.

5.     Ghost
Ingrid Michaelson
Do you remember when the walls fell?

6.     Gone
Kelly Clarkston
Sorry doesn’t cut it babe.

And our latest addition?

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
Taylor Swift
Not much explanation needed.

Rock it out ladies,

Charlotte and Gertrude

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together lyrics

I remember when we broke up the first time saying this is it I’ve had enough cause like we haven’t seen each other in a month when you said you needed space what?
Then you come around again and say baby I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change
Trust me remember how that lasted for a day you say I hate you we break up you call me I love you

Pre Chorus
We called it off again last night but
this time I’m telling you I’m telling you

We are never ever ever getting back together we are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends my friends talk to me but we are never ever ever getting back together, like ever

I’m really gonna miss you picking fights
and me falling for it screaming that I’m right
And you hide away and find your piece of mind in some indie record that’s much cooler than mine

Pre Chorus
You called me up again tonight but
this time I’m telling you I’m telling you

We are never ever ever getting back together we are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends my friends talk to me but we are never ever ever getting back together

I used to think that we were forever ever and I used to say never say never

Ugh he called me up and he’s like ‘I still love you and I’m like ‘I’m just sick of it this is exhausting you know like, we are never getting back together like ever

We are never ever ever getting back together we are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends my friends talk to me but we are never ever ever getting back together but we are never ever ever ever getting back together,
 We are never ever getting back together you go talk to your friends my friends talk to me but we are never ever ever getting back together

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Sold as a date...dang it.



 I was sold.

As in for money.

A bunch of our girlfriends were at a service auction and someone decided it would be a good idea to sell us as dates.

If none of you have been to a silent auction before, let me explain.

Things are auctioned.


AKA people walk around and put down their name and price they are willing to pay on pieces of paper, stating what they think the good, or in my case, pride, is worth. All night I avoided that frightful piece of paper that had my price tag on it.

The person who put us up for auction found the lucky winner who paid a whole $15 to be my date. I stood there, like a prized cow, while my new owner looked over me. The owner looked really confused and then started whispering to the auctioneer.

My new owner: “Wait a second…I thought that she would be taking ME on a date.”
Auctioneer: “No. You bought a date.”
My new owner: “Why would I pay for something then pay for it again?!”

The auctioneer and I looked on horrified as my not so tactful new owner said, “You know what I’m just gonna bag the whole thing” and walked out of the room.

So technically I was sold, but not bought.

Special moments as a Spinster,


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Keepin' it on the down low


Allow us to quote a favorite movie of ours….
 “How did you get up here so fast?”
“Secret tunnels.”
-Nacho Libre

We ladies have a surplus of ‘secret tunnels’ where we exchange info in the blink of an eye.
Have you ever wondered why you can go to the grocery store and run into your aunt’s neighbor who asks about your date which occurred less than 18 hours ago? Have you ever been puzzled that your co-worker knows about your toe injury when you don’t remember ever mentioning it?
This network can be both a blessing and a curse….
These tunnels can be beneficial in the dating scene. You better believe that someone will know the guy you are going on a blind date with. 
Work this to your advantage. Ask around.

However, be weary of having too large of a mouth because what you say will be heard by at least 40 other people. Even if it didn’t directly come from your lips…
The world is big, but it can also be oh so small. So we send a warning to all spinsters, but specifically those who want to mess with the spinsters:   What you do and what you say will surge through the tunnels. It will seep through the vents or spread like wildfire.
Try to keep it contained ladies. The tunnels are our tools. There is a fiiiine line between blabbering and helpful tips.
Example: “Jenny, I heard you are making cookies for Roy. Just FYI, he is allergic to nuts.”
            Statements such as these can indeed save lives.
Example: “Did you see Ashley’s dress? Woof!”
            Don’t say this. She will know you said this and it will haunt your dreams.
Always trying to censor ourselves,
Char and Gertie