Tips from the Experts

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Ladies!


Good news!


Studying for finals is not a complete waste of time. For many years there has been a stigma against finals which is fully justified, however....when reading chapter 10 of Social Psychology....we can find some preeetttty helpful information.


Chapter 10: Interpersonal Attraction


This chapter, in the fabulous Seventh Edition, straight up tells you how to get a boyfriend! Bam! 


We could learn this in a textbook? Wow! 


Who knew the deepest realms of mysteriousness could be answered by a few mere pages written by old men in bow ties who happen to have PhD's.......


Girls, they can really relate to us and I am sure they know what we are going through. Give 'em a chance.


The chapter first introduces perceptions of romance by Westerners. These authors claim that we have a skewed sense of romance. Psh, please. As if Sleepless in Seattle, Pride and Prejudice, and Twilight couldn't really happen....come on guys.


Next, we learn that "guys are more promiscuous and aggressive regarding dating" and that "males value attractiveness more than women" (didn't need no dang grad school edurcation to tell you that)


Lastly, we learn that "the simplest determinants of interpersonal attraction are proximity, similarity, and interpersonal style."


So basically, if you like a guy...
1. You should move in right next door so you can "bump" into him everyday. (This takes care of proximity.)
2. You should find out what he likes and like it too. Who cares if his hobbies include bird calling, stamp collecting, and Star Trek fanfiction. You better like them too if you know what's good for ya! (This takes care of similarity). 
3. You should mimic how he talks to others. If he slaps his friend on the back when talking, then you do it too. If he laughs obnoxiously at the movie theater, then you laugh right along with him. We are nothing if not adaptable. (This takes care of interpersonal style.) 


These all sound simple enough. We should all have boyfriends by the end of the week. 


Always doing our research,


Char and Gert

Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em

*Well ladies, since our prayers were not fully answered then we just have to make do with what we have.

Like it or not ESPN and Sports Center are not going anywhere soon so let’s use it to our advantage shall we?

If you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em.

Here are some helpful hints on how to talk sports with a guy.

While watching, try to balance out talking about things you like and following the game:

• We know you really want to tell him how ridiculously long your class presentations went today and how the guy sitting next to you on the bus smelled liked lawn clippings and read over your shoulder, but remember you are also pretending to be a sports expert. 
• We know you are all excellent at talking about the things that actually interest you so we will give you the other boring half of the conversation, which will be sports.

Great Go-To Phrases:

“What?! Number _____ was totally off-sides!”

            Any number between 0-99 is usually safe. This tactic is usable in virtually every sport.

“Now…didn’t he play for ___________?”

            Any other team. Guys love knowing the right answer. Warning: Make sure you say a different team in the same sport. Your cover would be blown if you were watching basketball then brought up a football team.

“Man our defense is KILLING us tonight.”

            Use this phrase anytime your team is behind.

“We are really covering the field/court/ice tonight!”

            Use this phrase anytime the guy gets excited about something that happened.

Finally, commenting about the size/speed/agility/haircut/tattoos of any of the players at any time will earn you points.

Just remember ladies, this is not about trying to be someone you are not. It’s about securing a second date.

Secretly plotting the demise of Sports Center,

Char and Gert

p.s. You want a crazy awesome thank-goodness-it's-Friday song? 

Andy Grammar. Fine By Me. 

Car dancing is a requirement while listening.

Oops..I did it again

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As a spinster, I enjoy making friends. You know, meeting new people, riding the friendship train, so on and so forth. However, sometimes this gets me into trouble…..

specifically with the male gender.

A recent troublesome conundrum occurred in my intro. to law class.

(Now I know what you are all thinking. “Gert, you are only in that class to meet the men.”

To all of you I say “false.” I actually am interested in law…sue me…no pun intended.)

Anyways, I developed a friendship with a delightful young man. The word FRIENDSHIP cannot be stated enough.

So, as friends, we walked together since we were going the same way. He asked me how far I was walking and I said, "pretty far."

Dun, dun, dun.

Mistake.

Kindly he said “let me give you a ride. I am parked close by.”

I thought to myself, “what harm can a ride do?” So I agreed.

We walked to the parking lot and I walked towards what I thought was his car. Again, I made a mistake…an all too common occurrence.

He said, “no, this is my ride.”

Behold, the motorcycle.

To make a story short, I had to straddle my friend and hold on to him for dear life because I am terrified beyond description of cycles with motors.

This gave him the wrong idea……he wanted to be more than friends.

Oooops.


Moral of the story.....not sure
How to express you are "just friends"....not sure

(Sigh)


Adieu, 

Gert

Ask a Spinster: Purse Must-Haves and Movie Theater Cuddling

Recently we have been asked a plethora of questions by fellow Spinsters that we feel we need to address. We love nothing more than getting questions and answering them to the best of our master-mind abilities.

If you have a troubling question, concern, or want to share a horrible story/want to vent then tip tap to your heart’s content and leave a comment or email us at:

spinstersrus@gmail.com

We will respond as sassily as possible.

Question #1

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Spinster 1: “I want to know what is in your purse(s). What should I always have on hand to keep the boys a comin'?”

Gert and Char: Every girl should have a “Mary Poppins purse” that has everything you need all the time. But our go-to purse ingredients include:

1. Natural Ice chapstick. No man in his right mind wants to kiss an ooey gooey bright red lipsticked face. Gett’in all dolled up for a girls night is great but on a date, keep this eco-friendly, soothing, balm on hand. Nothing says, “kiss me you fool” like healthy, happy, lipstick free lips.

            2. Emergency bobby pins/hair elastics. Your trendy blowout curls experiment could go bad at the slightest drop in humidity. Keep extra hair stuff on hand in case you get caught in a rainstorm/play ultimate Frisbee and need to spruce up real quick. We want you looking prima, not prima donna.

           

            3. Socks. Huh? No. For reals. How many times does your date, bless his heart, spring activities on you that involve socks and you are unprepared in your Sperrys, Toms or flippy floppies? You need socks for bowling, ice-skating, hikes, roller-blading, horse-back riding, curling, tree-climbing, spelunking…okay too far, but you always need thin, long socks.

            4. Reading Material. Probably not for dates (unless it gets really bad, and not even then) but when you’re waiting for the bus, sitting in the hall before class, or registering for a new drivers license. Nothing says, “Come talk to me because I am a highly informed, on top of it, well educated feline who happens to be extremely attractive” than a good book in hand. It’s an easy thing for guys to bring up as a conversation starter and shows off how sophisticated you are.

Let him fall in love with your brain. It’s ok.

Question #2

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Spinster 2: “How do you cuddle in a movie theater?”

Char and Gert: Quite simple. You don’t. It is virtually impossible.

Let’s start with armrest position shall we?

Swanky movie theaters will have options of lift-able armrests while other theaters are super old school and have armrests dead bolted to the milk dud infested floor.  

If your date has the benjamins then you’re probably at a nice theater.

Do you lift the arm rest? Does he? When do you lift it? Before the show starts? During previews? When the show gets scary?

It all depends on the message you want to send. If you want to be Wonder Woman Brave you lift that arm rest up right when you sit down and act like it’s no big deal. Let the magic happen from there. But if you are unsure or want to let him drive this train just sit down and be content with what he does.

The Move

Listen. We’re not in 7^thgrade anymore. No need to coyly slide your hand close to his and make it 100% easy for him to take your hand. If he wants to hold your hand then he will man up and take your hand, regardless of where you’ve placed it. Or if he’s been a real gentleman and has asked you on multiple dates you can go ahead and take his hand. But dang girl that takes moxy!

So say he grabs your hand and you put your head on his shoulder. Within ten minutes your hands will be so sweaty you could create a swamp and his arm will be dead. What part of dead arm makes him want to ask you out again?

As you can see, movie theater cuddling is more trouble than it’s worth.

If you want to cuddle, watch a movie at your house.

Or go spelunking.

Pretending to know the answers,

Gertrude and Charlotte

Relationship Traffic Jam

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For embarrassing reasons we are not going to divulge, we have decided that everyone needs to start wearing small traffic signs around their necks indicating relationship status. 

(Listen boy, how was I supposed to know you had a girlfriend?! You were talking to me! Don’t talk to me unless you have motives to date me. It messes with my mind too much.)

ANYWAYS….

This traffic light procedure would be incredibly helpful at parties. That way you would know what boys to leave alone and what boys you should get your flirt on for.

            Side note: Dear married people. We love having you at parties. BUT STICK WITH YOUR   SIGNIFICANT OTHER! If you are by yourself you look eligible.

Our proposition:

You should wear green if you are:

Not currently dating someone

Would like to be dating someone

Would like to cuddle with someone 

Would like a first date

Want to be flirty, even if just for tonight

You should wear yellow if you:

Have gone on multiple dates with the same person

Are interested in starting to date said person

Have recently kissed someone but not positive you’re gonna date them

Not super interested in meeting new people because you have to deal with the hot mess that’s already in your social life.

You should wear red if:

Someone calls you ‘boyfriend/girlfriend” or “husband/wife”.

 Possible Additions to Relationship Road Signs

Some 3^rd party should assign additional signs such as:

§  Hazards lie ahead

§  Yield

§  Multiple Delays

§  Turn Back Now

§  Danger!

...to boys who are bad news.

That would have saved us a lot of time. And embarrassment.

Stuck in traffic,

Gertrude and Charlotte

Stir the Pot

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Stir the Pot: Verb.

To bring up unwelcome topics in an unwelcoming manner, usually by an unwelcome person. Experiences typically involve a female who you are not exactly kindred spirits with.

These unwelcome wicked witches bring up, in overly sweet tones, topics you don’t want to discuss.

Examples:

• “Oh my gosh guess who I saw the other day? Jayne! Remember how she got that internship you wanted? How do you feel about that?”
• “Hey! I hear your ex-boyfriend is dating that cute brunette from Seattle! You guys look exactly alike…it’s weird.” 
• “What did you get on the Chem test? Cause I saw your score.”
• “So why weren’t you at Jessica’s bridal shower? We all missed you. We talked about you a lot and how you’re the only one of our friends not married yet. Is that hard for you?”

Where’s a bucket of water when we need one?

Charlotte and Gertrude

Bridal Shower Panic

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Spinsters attend (and generally host) a plethora of bridal showers. These little get-togethers can be a fun time to celebrate with the bride and catch up with fellow married and unmarried girlfriends alike or can be a draining, depressing, takeupyourwholeday ordeal. 

We hosted one this weekend and here are a few tips that make or break your shower: 

§  Don’t have only desserts. Ladies, especially Spinsters, need sustenance to make it through how darling the bride’s engagement story is. In fact, at this weekend’s bash each Spinster was eating at a feverish pace while other married ladies kept their cool. Nothing says panicked anxiety like shoveling shower food down your face.

§  Do have a scrumptious feast that mirrors a country club brunch. Nothing says classy like chicken salad sandwiches. Props Gert. 

§  Don’t make it so raunchy everyone feels uber awkward.

§  Do keep it sassy.

§  Don’t play 9 back-to-back games of make a toilet paper wedding gown. Spinsters have to do laundry, go to the bank, return ill fitting skinny jeans and finish that blasted Health and Nutrition reflection paper on Saturdays.

§  Do have at least 1 or 2 quick games that break the ice for guests.

§  Don’t go home and therapy-eat 8 gallons of Fudge-o-Chip icecream.

§  Do be happy for the bride. You never know…you might be the one on the bride throne one day.

But in the meantime, we’re here for you…

         ready with our dye cuts to make your shower invitations.

Mentally preparing for summer wedding season,

Gert and Char 

Wisdom For a Friday

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'Nuff said.

Char and Gert

Ring Ring

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Let's talk about phone calls....shall we?

It is a spinster's pet peeve to see a missed call from a boy. They always call when you are in the shower, in class, or working. They NEVER call when you are sitting on your bed staring at the phone.

It is always a mystery when they call but don't leave a voice-mail. This situation causes a plethora of possibilities and raises the blood pressure of every spinster!

- Maybe he didn't even mean to call me....he probably hung up right when he heard my name on the greeting.
- Maybe he is stranded in a frozen car about to be buried by 30 tons of snow and didn't have time to leave a voice-mail!
- Maybe he wants to ask me out. But I can't call him back...that would be presumptuous...

Needless to say, this is all ridiculous and the solution is simple

leave a freakin' voice-mail!


Loves,

Char and Gert

Definition: It’s Fine

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“It’s Fine.”: 
         Phrase of the verbal nature.

 Tone:

Somewhat sarcastic, almost shaky voice.

When to use the phrase:

       Whenever something is happening that is NOT fine.

Examples:

• All your music gets deleted from your laptop. “It’s fine.”
• You run out of gas on the freeway. “It’s fine.”
• You plan an outdoor movie night and it starts to rain. “It’s fine.”
• When you word vomit and want to take it back. But can’t. “It’s fine.”

Warning:

         You might be crying wolf because people might think you  really are fine.

Use with caution.

Char and Gert

Bits of Conversations....

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Bits of Conversations between Charlotte and Gertrude…

“Why wouldn’t he want to date me?! I’m adorable!"

“Well, I went on a date with a conspiracy theorist….somehow we started talking about politics and it just went downhill from there. He thinks Aids and Cancer are not real.”

“Today I went to H&M. Spent $90. And I thought to myself, “Self…you have really outdone yourself.”

“Wait‑ I thought you were on a boy fast.” 

“I am. This date is just going to be a little snack.”

“Junior Year of high school. That was my year. I went on 3 dates a week.”

“Well…got my annual text from Boy. At 10:30. On a Saturday night. Texted me the same thing as last time. I swear he must have a schedule and a list of girls and like clockwork, will text them every couple months just to keep them as “options”.

Things that Boys say to Us...

“Do you curse other guys besides me with Harry Potter curses?"

“Well Char, if you stay up past your 9 o’clock grandma curfew your mind will be blown about what happens at night.”

Date: “Why aren’t you married yet?”

Me: (sarcastically) “I don’t know...Why aren’t you married yet?”

Date: “Oh, I could be. LOTS of options.”

7 year old boy to Gertie: “Why aren’t you married? I have an uncle who isn’t married. He’s lonely. You should marry him. He’s 40.”

Date: “Hey look! There’s a hitch-hiker! We should pick him up! Can you scoot over so he has room to sit by you?”

Boy: “Hey I just wanted to introduce myself, I see you around a lot.

Me: (in my mind) "You humongous idiot! 
                     WE’VE BEEN ON A DATE!!!!"

        (out loud) "Oh hey…nice to meet you."

Kind of Awkward,

Gert and Char

Happy 1st Birthday Spinsters

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The Spinsters blog recently celebrated its 1st birthday.

Wow. We'd like to thank all our Spinster followers and the hot mess boys who gave this blog fodder.

Bless you.

Here's a look back on all the....progress...we've made as Spinsters.

ABCs of SpinsterHOOD
It's the most "Engaging" time of the year
The Curse of the Enablers
Boyfriend Color Coding
A White Veiled Occasion

and our very first (and arguably favorite) post.....

The Joys of Spinsterhood

Keep'in it Classy,

Gertrude and Charlotte

Q&A

We have been requested by a viewer to answer the following questions. We are happy to oblige….

1.       Who has our heart?  

Well….he’s super hot. Pretty spicy. We hang out about 3 times a week. He makes us feel warm inside….

And he’s also….a burrito. It’s fine.

2.       If we could commit any crime……we would say exactly what is on our minds when conversing with a male.

3.       The weirdest thing that we love….making conversations uber awkward.

4.       If we had a billion dollars….J. Crew would no longer be under the same management but would be in the hands of two Spinsters who had way too much money on their hands.

5.       If we could have any mode of transportation we would probably pick THIS!!!!!

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6.       Our dream job would be….official TP and eggers to boys who have crossed our viewers one too many times.

7.       The celeb we would love to hang out with for 24 hours would be Squid Boy. 

8.       The most obnoxious human trait is biting popsicles!!!!! Ah! Nothing worse than hearing that sound and feeling our own teeth cringe.

9.       Our current job….a spinster….it is a full time job.

10.   A characteristic we wish we had was an off-switch for our rampant, rolling, rollercoaster, raging, ridiculous emotions.

11.   Who would win in a fight between a grilled cheese and a taco…glad you asked…apparently our love for Mexican food is not obvious enough. So, yes, a taco. 

Happy to share our darkest secrets,

Char and Gertie

No Drama Allowed Past This Point

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Sometimes we Spinsters tend to mope about our situations:

•   This boy didn't call me. 

•   I'm bored every weekend.

•   My pants aren't fitting me right.

•   I don't have enough money.

But guess what? 

You are the boss.

You decide if you're going to be happy or not. 

So.... 

•   Decide to have fun no matter what you're doing.

•   Work an extra shift to get that extra dough.

•   Go on a run if you're feeling those pants are too tight.

•   Call up another Spinster and go to lunch.

•   Smile and tell yourself that you will be happy.

It's amazing how easy it is to trick yourself into actually enjoying your life.

Rock it out,

Char and Gert