Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Out of the Mouth of a Babe


Small Child: “So your sister is married?
Char: “Yeah she is.”
Small Child: “And your other sister is married?”
Char: Oh crap. I see where this is going. “Yep. She is too. Let’s play a game.”
Small Child: “Are you married?”
Char: “No I’m not. Do you want a snack?”
Small Child: “How come?”
Char: “How come what?” I thought snack was the ultimate child distracter. How do I get her to stop talking?
Small Child “How come you’re not married?”
Did her mom tell her I’m not married? Why is she asking me this? Do I teach this infant about Spinsterhood? Is that too advanced?”
Char: “Well….”
Small Child: “My uncle’s not married.”
Char: Phew.
Small Child: “He’s 40.”
Char: What?!? Do I really look 40?!?
Small Child: “Why aren’t you married?”
Char: “Because I haven’t found someone who is awesome enough to marry.”
Small Child: “Let’s have a snack.”
Char: “Bless you.”

Bringing Dora the Explorer DVDs next time,

Monday, October 14, 2013

Oh, so everyday is "opposite day"?


You know when you were in kindergarten and would say things to your mom like, “these cookies are sooo gross!”?

Your mom would get offended and you immediately responded with your adorable smile (because of course you were an adorable child). “But mom! It’s opposite day! So really they are sooooo yummy!”

That was all cutesy and giggly when you were five since you were practicing your antonyms, but when you have to deal with it in your 20’s, that is when it really is UGLY.

And no, it is not opposite day.
I mean everything I say.

Guys adore, nay, CHERISH, opposite day and practically use it constantly. The trouble is, they don’t verbalize their “oppositional feelings”.  Instead, they merely think it but never bother to tell you.


Guy #1 “Come meet my parents because I want them to see how amazing you are.”

PSYCH-It’s opposite day so really he was thinking, “I don’t want you to meet my parents because I really don’t think things are that serious. Can’t we just watch the last episode of Breaking Bad and call it good?”

Guy #2 “Hey, you should dress up for our date on Friday because we are doing something fancy.”

Never mind, it’s opposite day so really he is thinking, “I don’t want to wear a tie tonight. Carl’s Jr. it is!”

And my personal favorite……

Guy #3 “Hey, I miss you! Come visit me in California. I will even buy you a ticket!”

Fuggetaboutit because it is opposite day and he is really thinking, “Nope, that is not going to happen.”

Sorry if you read this post with the hopes of a solution. There is no solution to this cosmically perplexing conundrum of the male insipience.

Again, woof.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013



Who knew October was the new June when it came to weddings? Gert and I are both bridesmaids (for separate weddings) but we both were asked to wear gray. Gert asked for me to peruse my closet for a gray dress for her in exchange that I could borrow a gray pencil skirt from her.

After sending her a few picture texts she said,

“I will ask the bride the exact gray she wants. That first pic you sent has serious potential. I am looking and I don’t have a gray skirt for you….supertankers unhelpful. Sorry! Want to go shop/get an early dinner?”

Two seconds later I got another text from her:

“Supertankers? Not sure what that word is but it seems to fit.”

Supertankers: An adjective used to describe all things unpleasant.

1.    Last week I worked two back-to-back 11 hour work days. Supertankers.
2.    Got a flat tire in a tiny town last weekend and no maintenance stores were open. Supertankers
3.    When people ask you questions at work that you don’t know the answer to. Supertankers
4.    Paying money to see a movie in theaters and it was less than prima. Supertankers

Things that are NOT Supertankers:

Making metallic pumpkins with my sister tonight.
Getting gift certificates at work
The fact that Gert and I are both on a lipstick kick as of late.
Shopping for new funky glasses and learning there is a buy one get one free sale happening.

Shortly after our texting conversation we went shopping. Gert to return impulse buys and Char to make impulse buys.

High five,