Hi, I'm Char and I'm Awkward

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I feel like I am a pretty socially savvy person. I can pick up on subtle hints of when someone wants to wrap up a conversation or if someone is in a bad mood and to ask them how to unjam the copier another time. I’ve even been known to get a date or two.

But there is one place where my social skills seem to fly out the window.

The wedding greeting line.

Even if it’s one of my best girlfriends who is getting married, I am a goob.

It starts when I pull up to the reception place. I really should learn to start going to weddings with a wing woman. I don’t know why I think I’ll be fine walking in by myself because I’m not. I either have a huge coat when it’s hot out or didn’t wear something warm enough in the Fall. So I’m fidgeting with my outfit when the heavy breathing starts.

It’s like I think that there are going to be goblins when I walk in. What if I don’t know anyone there? What if I do know people there and I secretly want to avoid them? When do I leave? Now? No. I have to say hi to at least the bride. Or her mom.

I look frantically for a book to sign or a bridal picture to stare at longer than normal until I see someone I know.

Once I find someone to stand in line with me I get way too uncomfortable. My hands get clammy as I tell the person I’m with for the second time that I hope they play Single Ladies.

Then when it’s my turn at the line…terrible things happen.

One time I was too eager and jumped in front of the group and started talking to the couple then when my friends behind me started talking to the couple I found myself face to face with the groom’s parents whom I’d never met before and I called their son the wrong name. Multiple times.

Another time the bride’s s dress scratched my arm something fierce and I started bleeding.

And my personal favorite, I hugged my friend’s groom and my necklace got stuck on his top button and we were stuck. It would have been funny if I was able to untangle myself quickly but we ended up needing a third person to detach us. If you’ve ever been stuck on someone’s top button you realize how close your faces are. Hope you two have a fun honeymoon! As soon as I release your husband!

Hi, I’m Char, and I’m awkward.

Never, ever going to another wedding again….this week.

Charlotte

Hi, I am in a band and I am totes cool

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Sometimes guys invite themselves over to your apartment and bring their whole drum set with them.

Friday night. Making dinner in my apartment. Phone beeps. New text message. (Do these fragmented sentences bug you yet?)

Show-off boy: “Hey, what are you and your roomies up to tonight?”

Me: “I just got home and it looks like my roommates are already out. What are you fellas up to?”

Show-off boy: “My roomies are gone too. Wanna hang out? We could paint the town red.”

Me: “That would be fun. Maybe we could grab a treat or something.”
(Sorry I like treats and sorry I didn’t want this to turn into a marathon evening. I thought maybe we could chat over hot chocolate for an hour and call it good.)

Show-off boy: “How about we have a jam session? I will bring my drums over in 20 minutes.”

In my head: Um, no. I don’t want him to come over because I am exhausted from the longest day of work and I really do want a treat and my cupboards are empty.

Me: “Ok, that should work. I just can’t be up super late.”

He comes over and we take 50 trips from his car to my apartment to bring all of his drumming gear into my living room. I guess when he said, "we should have a jam session" he really meant, I will play 50 songs that you will thoroughly enjoy listening to. I'll be honest, he is a good drummer. But 2 hours, pal? Not impressed. 

He left at 1:00 in the morning and I didn't even get a treat.

So now I need to drive to Wendy's and get my own cursed frosty.

Gertrude

Out of the Mouth of a Babe

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Small Child: “So your sister is married?

Char: “Yeah she is.”

Small Child: “And your other sister is married?”

Char: Oh crap. I see where this is going. “Yep. She is too. Let’s play a game.”

Small Child: “Are you married?”

Char: “No I’m not. Do you want a snack?”

Small Child: “How come?”

Char: “How come what?” I thought snack was the ultimate child distracter. How do I get her to stop talking?
Small Child “How come you’re not married?”

Did her mom tell her I’m not married? Why is she asking me this? Do I teach this infant about Spinsterhood? Is that too advanced?”

Char: “Well….”

Small Child: “My uncle’s not married.”

Char: Phew.

Small Child: “He’s 40.”

Char: What?!? Do I really look 40?!?

Small Child: “Why aren’t you married?”

Char: “Because I haven’t found someone who is awesome enough to marry.”

Small Child: “Let’s have a snack.”

Char: “Bless you.”

Bringing Dora the Explorer DVDs next time,

Charlotte

Oh, so everyday is "opposite day"?

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You know when you were in kindergarten and would say things to your mom like, “these cookies are sooo gross!”?

Your mom would get offended and you immediately responded with your adorable smile (because of course you were an adorable child). “But mom! It’s opposite day! So really they are sooooo yummy!”

That was all cutesy and giggly when you were five since you were practicing your antonyms, but when you have to deal with it in your 20’s, that is when it really is UGLY.

And no, it is not opposite day.

I mean everything I say.

Guys adore, nay, CHERISH, opposite day and practically use it constantly. The trouble is, they don’t verbalize their “oppositional feelings”.  Instead, they merely think it but never bother to tell you.

Woof.

Guy #1 “Come meet my parents because I want them to see how amazing you are.”

PSYCH-It’s opposite day so really he was thinking, “I don’t want you to meet my parents because I really don’t think things are that serious. Can’t we just watch the last episode of Breaking Bad and call it good?”

Guy #2 “Hey, you should dress up for our date on Friday because we are doing something fancy.”

Never mind, it’s opposite day so really he is thinking, “I don’t want to wear a tie tonight. Carl’s Jr. it is!”

And my personal favorite……

Guy #3 “Hey, I miss you! Come visit me in California. I will even buy you a ticket!”

Fuggetaboutit because it is opposite day and he is really thinking, “Nope, that is not going to happen.”

Sorry if you read this post with the hopes of a solution. There is no solution to this cosmically perplexing conundrum of the male insipience.

Again, woof.

Gert

Supertankers

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Who knew October was the new June when it came to weddings? Gert and I are both bridesmaids (for separate weddings) but we both were asked to wear gray. Gert asked for me to peruse my closet for a gray dress for her in exchange that I could borrow a gray pencil skirt from her.

After sending her a few picture texts she said,

“I will ask the bride the exact gray she wants. That first pic you sent has serious potential. I am looking and I don’t have a gray skirt for you….supertankers unhelpful. Sorry! Want to go shop/get an early dinner?”

Two seconds later I got another text from her:

“Supertankers? Not sure what that word is but it seems to fit.”

Supertankers: An adjective used to describe all things unpleasant.

1.    Last week I worked two back-to-back 11 hour work days. Supertankers.

2.    Got a flat tire in a tiny town last weekend and no maintenance stores were open. Supertankers

3.    When people ask you questions at work that you don’t know the answer to. Supertankers

4.    Paying money to see a movie in theaters and it was less than prima. Supertankers

Things that are NOT Supertankers:

Making metallic pumpkins with my sister tonight.

Getting gift certificates at work

The fact that Gert and I are both on a lipstick kick as of late.

Shopping for new funky glasses and learning there is a buy one get one free sale happening.

Shortly after our texting conversation we went shopping. Gert to return impulse buys and Char to make impulse buys.

High five,

Charlotte

Vampire Boy

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So there I was at Walmart after dark.

Not my fav.

But as I was walking out I saw two girls talking excitedly.

As they walked past me I heard,

Friend of Girl: “So how bad is it?”

Girl: “Well see for yourself.” as she pulls her hoodie away from her neck.

Full on hickey.

(Usually at this point I would do a “Spinster’s definition" but this is just too awkward.)

Girl: “He bit it.”

Friend of Girl: “I know. I can tell.”

Excuse?! Is this real life?

1. In what universe would a girl let a guy treat her that way? Gert and I are big on chivalry and (trying) to be classy so this sort of thing outrages us. Just because a guy may treat a girl like she’s second-hand, doesn’t mean that she should prove him right. Want to know why he’s acting like a tool? Because she’s letting him. You set the bar. The men will come.

Ladies! Stand up for yourself!

2. I am a firm believer that you should do another Spinster a solid in the way that you treat boys/let them treat you because the odds are you will not end up with your boy of the week and that he will end up dating/marrying a fellow Spinster.

So if you stood up for yourself and didn’t let a boy treat you like laundry lint, maybe he’d think twice before going vampire on the next girl.

Stepping off my soap box,

Charlotte

Wait- not yet….

 Vampires these days are considered sleek and hot. But seriously, biting people is still weird.

Okay, now I’m done.

p.p.s Yes this is Harry Potter font. Judge me.