Thursday, June 21, 2012

Black Widow in Dating


Memories of old boyfriends are like walking into a spider web.

You can’t see anything, but you feel the horrible, ghostly impression that something is still encompassing you, despite your efforts to shake it.

Break-ups are tricky. But regardless of the ending, they all started the same.

You met.
You liked each other.
Somehow exchanged numbers.
Started flirting.
Started going on scooter rides.
Started thinking about each other a lot when you weren’t with each other.
Started kissing.
Started calling each other cute nicknames that you thought were clever at the time.

Then the trouble started.

He was acting weird.
You started to feel unsure.
Why wasn’t he calling you back as fast as usual?
You started having DTRs every other week….
….which progressed to once a day…
….which progressed to one of you saying:

                  “I think we should take a break”

“I’m just not sure how I feel right now”                       
                                                 “Well, what are you thinking?”
                          “I’m sorry.”

        “Are we gonna start seeing other people?”

To make sense of the haunting skeletons in your closet, we’ve created a…
Old Boy Toy Do and Don’t list:

Don’t delete their number.
Do Z-list them.

Don’t throw away all memorabilia (pictures, notes, old concert tickets)
Do burn at least one of their possessions they forgot at your house.

Don’t delete them as a friend on Facebook because that’s tacky. Gotta keep your cool.
Do purge your phone of saved text messages from them.

Don’t go after one of his friends.
Do say the name of the date that is picking you up over and over again so you don’t accidently call him old boyfriend’s name.

Don’t contact him for any reason. We are girls. We can come up with good reasons. But don’t do it.
Do at least one drastic thing after you’ve broken up:
            A new hair color
            5 new pairs of shoes
            Spontaneous road trip
            Train for a half marathon
            Buy an iPhone

And lastly, remember,
            No man is worth your tears,
            And the one that is, won’t make you cry.

Just Kidding.

Go saran wrap his car.

Spraying for spiders,

Charlotte and Gertrude


  1. I love this. And man, I have called a new love interest an old BF's name way, way too many times and it is bad news bears.

    Man, your blog is perfect in every way. ALSO, that link you posted about the luggage scooter, I DIED. SO great. Don't show my mom that or I'll be getting that for my birthday.

  2. Replies
    1. ditto. another good post, ladies.

  3. Love it!!! 1 January 2012, I burned ALL the letters my BF had sent me while he was on a mish. Let me tell was totally liberating!

  4. I thought of one boy through out this whole post who still haunts me to this day even though I'm married and moved on. I'll admit, I deleted him off facebook. and it was TACKY. We later became friends again and almost started dating again when I became FB official with my husband and he commented on the changed relationship status, "don't worry, I won't delete you off facebook." It was hilarious. I deserved it. love you ladies.

  5. Wow! Weird timing!!! I was totally at a party last night and ran into my ex's brother! Then HE brought up my ex and started talking about what he's up to and asked why we broke up. Girl's it was AWFUL! He summed it up with inviting me to go to his birthday party. Guess who's not going.
    Not enjoying my blast from the past.

    1. And then a super cute guy asked for my number! Feel free to pass on that info to your bro, bud! Muahaha ;)

  6. A new hair color: CHECK! Perfect post gert and char